Hello and welcome to this month's podcast from Submissive Guide. I'm your host, Luna KM. Today, I'm going to give you an idea of what a healthy DS relationship looks like and how they can develop into successful power exchange dynamics. This episode is made possible by our Patreon community, The Submissive Society. If you'd like early access to these podcast episodes, free PDFs of resources, signed copies of submissive guide books, and get updates on our future projects, join us at subguide slash society. That's s-u-b-g-u-i dot d-e slash society. We'll see you there. When creating a DS relationship, there is no common blueprint for success. But with this guide, I will share what a DS relationship may look like and what a healthy DS dynamic needs to work well. When all parties in it feel fulfilled and happy, the dynamic can succeed. Starting a DS relationship requires that you are clear about what you want and who you are. You need to know how to describe yourself to someone else to find compatibility in a partner. Whether to be a bedroom submissive, a full-time slave, or something in between, if you understand what that entails, you'll have one foot in the door to finding the relationship you want. A person looking for a 24-7 long-term master-slave relationship isn't going to be compatible with you if you're looking for a casual bedroom-only DS dynamic with just a little bit of out of the bedroom overlap. No matter how much you might be attracted to the person or find ways to be compatible beyond that, the difference in foundational definitions will make a successful power exchange impractical. So knowing what you need in power exchange and clearing the board of incompatible options is imperative for your success. If you need help figuring out your needs and desires, you can read How to Identify Your Submissive Wants and Needs on submissiveguide.com or listen to the previous Submissive Guide podcast episode on the topic. I'll provide a link to the article in the show notes. Section one, what does a DS relationship look like? Many DS relationships won't look different from relationships you're already familiar with. The goal of any relationship is not to draw unwanted attention. You might notice a symbiotic relationship between the partners or that one is clearly the head of the household by their demeanor. but that's it I've been in a power exchange relationship for almost two decades and we've never received weird looks when out in public unless we were just a little too heavy with the public displays of affection and it's not apparent that he's in charge just by looking at us but it's quite clear how our relationship works for those in the know if you are new to power exchange you might not even catch these small details And that's okay, because your relationship may look different from nightmares than mine. But if you had to pick out the little things we've nurtured that identify us as a power exchange relationship, what might those be? Number one, there's an obvious, clear distinction of who's in charge. All he has to do is ask for something, and I comply. There's no questioning it or hang on a minute, honey sort of responses. Number two, I wear a collar. This looks like a chain choker to anyone else, but those that are familiar with collar designs might be able to recognize it. Number three. I ask him for permission to purchase anything. In public, it may sound like, could I please purchase this? If I'm not with him, I will stop to contact him and ask for permission. Number four. I offer to get him things so he doesn't have to consider moving or interrupting what he's doing. While you may see these things as part of a power exchange dynamic, they could also be described as showing courtesy, respect, and love between partners. And we like it that way. Will your relationship look like this? Maybe. Maybe not. As I said, we've slowly customized our relationship over the years. It didn't all start out like this from the onset. But the point in our relationship is that I serve him and his needs, and in return I get love, affection, pride, and a sense of accomplishment. Not to mention we are husband and wife and intense lovers. The vital thing to note about DS relationships is that when you are both on, these roles do not shift. You are submissive, you submit. They are dominant, they are in charge. Nowhere does that fluctuate during the agreed upon timeframe. Besides this key ingredient, your DS relationship may look similar or significantly different from mine. As long as you submit and your partner is in charge, then a DS exchange is happening. Section two, how a DS relationship develops. A DS relationship starts much like any other relationship Dating and relationship building happens no matter what kind of relationship you want. If you don't have experience in relationships, use what you see around you in your family and friends as examples. What do all of these relationships have in common? Here's how a relationship can develop in its more basic form. First, people are attracted to each other. This doesn't have to be physical, but that's the typical starting point. Maybe they are attracted to something specific about the other person, or a generalized, oh my gosh, this person is sexy, hot, amazing, pretty, cute, handsome, what have you. If it's mutual, the people will start talking to one another to gauge interests and find common ones. Those common interests help to cement the ideas of a possible relationship forming. After all, you want your relationship partner to be someone you can do things with and talk about the things that interest you. Someone you hope will share your interests and ideas, your hopes and dreams. So having something in common is a magnetic pull to relationship potential. This stage often ends with the couple becoming more intimate with each other. When you add DS or BDSM to the mix, this need to find common interests can get intense and intimate pretty quickly. That's because there's more riding on a connection than if you both love sci-fi movies and poodles. I'd compare it to ensuring you found someone of the same sexual orientation. If you are heterosexual, you want to ensure the person you're looking for a relationship with is also heterosexual, or bisexual if that's comfortable for you. So, in DS or BDSM, you want to make sure pretty quickly if you are talking to a dominant, submissive, slave, puppy, masochist, etc., and if that matches what you're looking for. Often at the start of an attraction, dating occurs. The first steps in dating are getting to know one another and finding those common interests. How long you spend dating is personal and can be the stage a relationship remains for months or even years. Dating can involve sexual exploration with the partner, but it doesn't have to. You can decide to hold off on sex and be just in play until a commitment is in place. See, I get a lot of stone's throw at me here. Dating is not a defined commitment to me. It's more like shopping or browsing the menu. Others compare it to eating at a buffet. You can pick and choose, sample what you'd like, and change your mind as much as you want. As long as you keep your goal in mind to find a relationship that best fits your needs and desires. Deciding to commit to one another is a separate step to relationship building and develops further into dating, which often ends the dating stage. You agree to be exclusive. You stop people shopping and focus on strengthening and perfecting the relationship you've found. Developing a relationship takes time and effort. Time and effort for healthy relationships are things people don't want to spend but really should. Far too many people these days like to consider relationship building and maintenance as too much work because who's got the time, right? Wrong. Take the time. It is worth it. There are many ways to commit to one another and a collar symbolizes that commitment. Like an engagement ring, a collar is often the near final step in relationship commitment. You don't have to have a collar to be committed to one another. That is the personal choice you have to make together. But whatever you decide, your commitment to each other should be mutually fulfilling. Section three, what does a DS relationship need to work? A DS relationship may have power exchange, but it is still a relationship. I say it a lot, but the basic compatibility we look for in a mainstream partner still applies when looking for someone a bit more dominant or into BDSM. You must have similar ideas of faith, marriage, children, family, and friendships. Common themes in your desired lifestyle include where you'll be living, if you're a dog or cat person, how active you'll be in the community, and what you enjoy doing that many other people search for in a partner. It is doubtful that if you disagree on your dreams for the future that you'll want to be with this person for long. Are you monogamous or polyamorous? You should probably agree to that before you get into a relationship. Some huge issues can crop up later down the road if the person you are with is monogamous, but you are poly and didn't share that information. But that's only part of what needs to be discussed. If you are poly, or your partner is, what kind of poly is it? What amount of interaction do you want with the other partners? And even if your relationship is monogamous, sometimes there can be an open element to explore kinks that one or the other doesn't share. so talk about those scenarios to ensure you are on the same page. Then, and this is a big one for DS relationship compatibility, agree on what kind of DS relationship you're looking for. If you are submissive, make sure your partner is dominant for starters. But then, how much submission will your relationship have? Are you looking for a bedroom-only DS relationship or a full-time submission? Maybe something in between? What does submission mean to you and to them? How about dominance? Make sure your definitions align, or you could mean one form of submission and your potential partner means another. If BDSM play is to be a part of the exchange, you will want to ensure that there is close compatibility with what you desire there, and if not, a willingness to open the relationship to allow for play outside of it. Kink isn't always connected to sex, and still more of it is exploring sensation. So feed your and your potential partner's desire for kink as best as possible. Communication is a key foundational block in any lifestyle-based relationship and in all relationships we experience throughout our lives. You need to learn to communicate to make your DS relationship work effectively. DS relationships prioritize this more than vanilla ones and value truth and openness. but many of us don't know what good communication looks like, and we don't have exemplary people who can teach us. Trust me, you will want to explore how to set up transparent, honest, and open communication in a relationship. We have dozens of articles about communication on Submissive Guide to get you started. Check the show notes for a link to the communication section of Submissive Guide. Even with all of it working perfectly, it's not a magic bullet. You have to work on your relationship to make it work. Practice open communication and talk about issues before they become problems. Nurture the emotions you feel for them and build the connection whenever possible. A relationship that goes stale will only last for a while, and a power exchange dynamic might need a bit more effort from both parties to keep the flame going. But trust me, it's well worth it. That's it for this episode, but we do have a part two on submissive guide. In part two, we discuss how to negotiate a DS relationship, learn what might be expected of you, how to take care of yourself in the relationship, and share some links to further reading about DS relationships. It's available right now on submissive guide. Again, the link can be found in the show notes. Want to know more about DS relationships? Check out Paradigms of Power, Styles of Master-Slave Relationships by Raven Caldera on Amazon. It's a collection of essays from people showcasing many forms of power exchange relationships that can inspire you to create your own. I'll link to the book in the show notes. Thank you for listening to our podcast. We hope you began to see similarities and differences in DS relationships and how they develop. We would love to hear what you've learned from this podcast. Join our Discord server where you can continue the conversation. Our invite link is subguide slash chat. That's S-U-B-G-U-I dot D-E slash chat. You can find it and all other links in the show notes. Before we go, I'd like to thank our submissive society on Patreon who chose today's topic. If you'd like to help us pick the next podcast topic and get exclusive rewards, head over to subguide slash society and explore the membership options. That's subgui.de slash society.